thought/reflecion

 

I know this isn't the greatest picture (of a picture)... But if a picture could completely tell the story to date about Tristan, this could be that picture. This picture has been completely consuming my thoughts for the last few days. I ...can't stop looking at his big smile, arms as far out as they can go, he looks like his mind is free from all the bad, he is consumed in happiness. I know we can't be happy like this picture all the time otherwise we wouldn't know happiness, because we wouldn't know the difference.

I love my boys; I helped create them; I am supposed to protect them; I am responsible for them.
Lately I have become so obsessed in continuous thought/reflecion about how incredibly sad this is to me; the human condition of sadness; completly consumed in all of everything; confussion, fear, optimism, dread, anxiety, terror, interrogitive (beyond inquisitive), angry, again fear, ultimatley LOVE. I didn't know that this level of sadness could possibly exist. The strange/bizarre dreams I have are now becoming less shocking and with their recurring routine I am almost numb to their affect.

Tristan, is doing a good job reconciling the situation. I sometimes catch him (when we're driving somewhere) quietly looking out the window, beyond the approaching road, beyond the plants and the trees (beyond the viewable anything; maybe). And I just quietly observe him. I have always thought about how protective Tristan was from the beginning with all friends, his brother, the innocent, his mother. He cares about others with true intent. Why do these things happen to the innocent, the pure, the young, the productive, the beautiful? Why Tristan.....