Tuesday, January 22, 2013

It's complicated

Nearly one year later and I am still in disbelief. Tonight I am saddened with the toll Cancer pushes on our family emotionally. 

It is such a rollercoaster. At times I feel we are all on the same ride fighting  together, yet the things we see and feel are completely different. 

Emotionally it has pushed relationships to a breaking point, ready to snap it right in half. It has made us question every decision and then turn on each other to question each others choices and thoughts. I am sickened by the destruction it can slowly cause but quickly build. Emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually I am drained. We all are, but we keep pressing on because it is the only option we will accept. 

At Times during this trial I  have felt closer to my husband and family then I ever thought possible. I have come to realize that goes both ways. At times I feel I don't even know the person I have been married to for nearly 14 years because this is tearing us apart. 

I can't describe how good it feels to know that we are near an end to one of the most difficult parts. We live each day to watch Tristan succeed, fight and thrive. We live each day to see his brother do the same, because this fight is personal for him as well. 

I thank my Father in Heaven for a faith that I know I can get on my knees and pray and he is right there with me listening, crying and carrying my family through these times. 

It is not easy. It just plain stinks. I hate most of what has been happening and can't even begin to explain its complicated process. 

I do know that it will be ok because Tristan won't give up and that is that. 

Thank you Tristan for your strength, your spirit your unwavering  faith. It has been at your weakest moments that you carry our family through. 

I feel embarrassed and guilty for accepting financial assistance knowing that there are families struggling much more than ours. It is a burden it is unexpected but when is it a need? It's difficult to accept help when you feel you can do it on your own. It breaks my heart to know my husband carries this personally on his shoulders. Fathers want to provide for, care for and fix it, all themselves. My husband is no different just a bigger fix.  I respect and love that about him but acknowledge that we can't allow our pride to step on us and leave a bruise. I want to thank you for your generosity it has eased some of that burden. 

I'm just going to Thank you all for EVERY single way you have supported my family this past year. It is not something that I or we could ever repay. My love for people, other families and strangers has developed in ways that I can barely comprehend.

Thank you, Love you all.  I do ask  for continued support and prayers as we face the emotional and metal hole that we will now begin to fill .  Nobody ever said it would be easy but I do remember hearing it will be worth it! 

I can't wait to feel that worth again.

Tristan will ring that bell and he will have an army beside him as always for that I thank you. 

 to update soon. I have had a hard time writing about our daily life because I don't like to relive some of the events. :( There are some wonderful things happening though that I do need to share so I will get on top of that. 

For now if you would like to read about Tristan go to his Facebook page 



  1. Psalms 8:2
    'out of the mouths of babes'-there is no doubt that some of our children are much older than us spiritually speaking. We would do well to listen and then follow their example. My Pa tells me that our Heavenly Father is much more interested in raising parents than He is in raising children. Thank you Tiff for sharing His advance cources that you have been given by our Loving Father. I love you and your fam. with love,Curtis Baugh

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