Friday, August 3, 2012

Ramble





It's not often that I feel like writing on this blog, but Today I do. I know that many of you are following us on Facebook and know that Tristan has been in the Hospital for 8 Days straight. He is finally getting stronger and should be able to go home sometime this weekend we hope.
Spending several nights in the hospital gives me too much time to think! I have had many thoughts running around in my brain this week.
I have been more afraid this week than I can remember ever in my life. I have watched Tristan suffer much more than I could have ever thought possible. I have rubbed and massaged his back until my fingers literally ache. I have worried until my own stomach curls and my heart breaks. I felt more helpless this week as a mother than ever before. Tristan has been so sick. It is frightening to me how rapidly his body declined in health. I wanted to scream at the Doctors to do something more to fix him! I spent many many, many hours in prayer pleading and begging for him to find relief from the pain and to begin to heal. I begged many of you for prayers as well and I know that they are answered.
Here I go with some cliche' saying "they aren't always answered the way we want them to be" but we try to find the real reason for the suffering and pain right?

I feel comforted now, knowing that we have found a source to his fevers. I have seen him get stronger the past 2 days and his body begin to fight the nasty infection that was beginning to take over.

This Cancer stuff---Its Bad, Its sad, its ruthless! I hate it.

On Saturday July 28th we had a big Fundraiser motorcycle rally & 5K run that we had planned on for months. Cancer took it away from Tristan. He would have loved to see the support and the love that was there in his honor. Many times this week he has mentioned how unfair it is that he missed his own fundraiser.
UNFAIR? I'll say unfair. It hurts my heart to think of how "unfair" this all is for my 10 year old.
School started last week, all of his friends and his brother Tanner started a new school year.
Tristan had round 8 of Chemo therapy. Many of our friends and neighbors are squeezing in last minute summer vacations and Waterpark fun. Tristan gets a very expensive all inclusive stay at Primary Children's Hospital & a cool sponge bath for fevers.
Most of his friends had football tryouts this week, Tristan is learning how to hop across the room on one leg.
No, this IS NOT FAIR!

I find myself feeling Jealous and frustrated that we cannot do those things. I feel bad for Tanner because his life has changed so much with this cancer also. What a great kid he is to go to school alone each day, finish his homework sometimes alone all the while I know he worries tremendously about his brother.
I feel sad sometimes knowing that life just keeps going on outside the hospital walls. It doesn't wait for Tristan to get better it just passes him by.
This has been by far the most difficult, painful, crazy, exhausting week yet.
I hope that we do not ever get the chance to Top it!
The weird part in all of this is that I feel blessed in many ways. I do not always try to put a positive spin on things but guess it is just always there!
Our family has learned so much in such a short time. We are truly stronger as a family more now than ever. We have learned how to make the impossible possible. We work together, roll with the punches, comfort each other, cry together and feel the pain and suffering together.

 I feel bad for the moms that do not know their children like I know mine. I feel bad for the families that don't learn how to come together to make  important things possible.
We did not ask for & do not want these trials. I  won't say that I would do this again but the people we are today I would not change.

 I have a 10 year old hero that I happened to give birth to. I am lucky enough to feel grateful that he and all of us are alive each & every day, hour and minute.

I refuse to take the small things for granted, even if it is just a smile.
I love my family. I love my friends & all the people that support us.
I have felt a love, comfort, compassion and prayers from strangers that carry us through each day.
 I thank you all very much again and again and again!
We are blessed and continue to be blessed each day with the love from all of you, your prayers and a God that is Good and love us too.

We are tired, we are weak, we are strong and we will fight! This boy proves that even at our weakest point we are strong enough to fight.
Love to all & thanks for letting me ramble.






9 comments:

  1. You are truley AMAZING family and many are watching you and the courage and Love that you have for eachother is AMAZING I love you all so very much and am blessed to ba able to step in and help the little bit that I get to ... and enjoy the time that you share with us .. and the inspirational pieces that you have choosen to share to make others aware of children cancer I can't say enouhg IT'S NOT FAIR, he should have to go threw this noone should .. that being said he is HERO and te way that he does go threw it is AWESOME and I am at ahhh everday because of th way that he pulls threw... there is that instant connection that I have gotten to see when there is another cancer patient or even someone that has a bald head or a amputated leg.. I love being able to see that and how strong they truely are and what a blessing it has been in our life .. thank you for sharing sister you AMAZE me!! :)

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  2. You are all an amazing family. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it all must be. So glad Tristan is doing better and can't wait for you guys to get to go home. It makes me so sad that Tristan is so sad he couldn't be at the Fundraiser. And this is probably the one time that a child would really love to be in school :) I can't wait until he gets to go back and be with all of his friends.

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  3. Let me start by saying, if you didn't vent the way you did today I would say that there was something wrong with you. When something like this happens to your family, you are going to find out just how strong you really are and how close your family really is. Tiffany, I am so impressed and in awe of you and how you have stayed so strong through all of this. From day one you knew exactly what needed to be done and have put a positive note on every decision that had to be made. You have been strong and never wavering in you faith in our Heavenly Father. I on the other hand have begged and pleaded, gotten mad and cried that enough is enough. I do know that blessings do come from our trials and suffering. But, this has hit so close to home.
    Tristan must have been one strong warrior in Heaven. He will be an inspiration to those around him. You are an amazing wife to my son and awesome mother to my grandsons. We love you!

    Nancy and Robbie

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  4. Tiff, thank you for this post. Our hearts hurts with you as your family battles this nasty cancer, we love you guys! I am amazed with the strength I see from you and your family, I am truly in awe. I wish we could wish it away, but thank you for sharing these thoughts with us and showing us the light in the middle of the darkness. I'm glad they found the source of fevers, I hope your doctors continue to be prompted to the right path of treatment. Give your boys a big hug for us :)

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  5. Thanks for your post Tiff. I may not ever know what you are going through, but I admire your strength....all of your family's strength. I am so glad you have grown stronger as a family instead of growing apart, like some families do in these difficult situations. As I was doing some cleaning today and letting my mind wonder, you and Tristan came to my thoughts. I kept thinking how back in High School, who would have ever thought you would be going through this trial with your son. And to think of the woman you've become and the HUGE example you are to all of us. I love you Tiff. Thank you for keeping us posted on everything so that we can continue to pray for you, for Tristan and for your family. BIG HUGS!!!

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  6. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. You are an inspiration to everyone! I strive to be a better mother because of your wonderful example. Your family is the perfect example of how a family should be during difficult times. You are right...it's not fair. I think this every day about Tristan. He has been through more than most people will go through in a lifetime, but the blessings will be poured upon him because of it...as well as on you and your family. Your strength is felt in your words and I know that you were sent here to be Tristan's mother. He needed someone special and what he got was someone beyond extraordinary. Heavenly Father's plan is clear when looking at your family. Love you and pray for you all.

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  7. You know that none of us were sent here to fail. I love you my Tiffany and your family. You are my heroes.

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  8. I am not yet a mother but I am feeling your pain while reading this blog. I'm sorry that your son has to go through it. Be strong and I pray for his wellness. Maybe you can ask your doctor for other option like best alternative cancer treatment.

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