Ramble

It's not often that I feel like writing on this blog, but Today I do. I know that many of you are following us on Facebook and know that Tristan has been in the Hospital for 8 Days straight. He is finally getting stronger and should be able to go home sometime this weekend we hope.
Spending several nights in the hospital gives me too much time to think! I have had many thoughts running around in my brain this week.

I have been more afraid this week than I can remember ever in my life. I have watched Tristan suffer much more than I could have ever thought possible. I have rubbed and massaged his back until my fingers literally ache. I have worried until my own stomach curls and my heart breaks. I felt more helpless this week as a mother than ever before. Tristan has been so sick. It is frightening to me how rapidly his body declined in health. I wanted to scream at the Doctors to do something more to fix him! I spent many many, many hours in prayer pleading and begging for him to find relief from the pain and to begin to heal. I begged many of you for prayers as well and I know that they are answered.
Here I go with some cliche' saying "they aren't always answered the way we want them to be" but we try to find the real reason for the suffering and pain right?

I feel comforted now, knowing that we have found a source to his fevers. I have seen him get stronger the past 2 days and his body begin to fight the nasty infection that was beginning to take over.

This Cancer stuff---Its Bad, Its sad, its ruthless! I hate it.

On Saturday July 28th we had a big Fundraiser motorcycle rally & 5K run that we had planned on for months. Cancer took it away from Tristan. He would have loved to see the support and the love that was there in his honor. Many times this week he has mentioned how unfair it is that he missed his own fundraiser.
UNFAIR? I'll say unfair. It hurts my heart to think of how "unfair" this all is for my 10 year old.
School started last week, all of his friends and his brother Tanner started a new school year.
Tristan had round 8 of Chemo therapy. Many of our friends and neighbors are squeezing in last minute summer vacations and Waterpark fun. Tristan gets a very expensive all inclusive stay at Primary Children's Hospital & a cool sponge bath for fevers.
Most of his friends had football tryouts this week, Tristan is learning how to hop across the room on one leg.
No, this IS NOT FAIR!

I find myself feeling Jealous and frustrated that we cannot do those things. I feel bad for Tanner because his life has changed so much with this cancer also. What a great kid he is to go to school alone each day, finish his homework sometimes alone all the while I know he worries tremendously about his brother.
I feel sad sometimes knowing that life just keeps going on outside the hospital walls. It doesn't wait for Tristan to get better it just passes him by.
This has been by far the most difficult, painful, crazy, exhausting week yet.
I hope that we do not ever get the chance to Top it!
The weird part in all of this is that I feel blessed in many ways. I do not always try to put a positive spin on things but guess it is just always there!

Our family has learned so much in such a short time. We are truly stronger as a family more now than ever. We have learned how to make the impossible possible. We work together, roll with the punches, comfort each other, cry together and feel the pain and suffering together.

 I feel bad for the moms that do not know their children like I know mine. I feel bad for the families that don't learn how to come together to make  important things possible.
We did not ask for & do not want these trials. I  won't say that I would do this again but the people we are today I would not change.

 I have a 10 year old hero that I happened to give birth to. I am lucky enough to feel grateful that he and all of us are alive each & every day, hour and minute.

I refuse to take the small things for granted, even if it is just a smile.
I love my family. I love my friends & all the people that support us.
I have felt a love, comfort, compassion and prayers from strangers that carry us through each day.
 I thank you all very much again and again and again!
We are blessed and continue to be blessed each day with the love from all of you, your prayers and a God that is Good and love us too.

We are tired, we are weak, we are strong and we will fight! This boy proves that even at our weakest point we are strong enough to fight.
Love to all & thanks for letting me ramble.